Dear Vanessa,
I recently hired a few caregivers to help with my mom. Individually, they’re excellent, but two of the best ones just don’t get along. I find myself constantly managing their schedules, conversations, and tensions, and it’s exhausting, especially with my full-time job. I don’t want to lose either of them, but I’m not sure how much longer I can keep this up. What’s the best way to handle this kind of situation?
Yvonne
Dear Yvonne,
I appreciate you taking the time to write and share what you’re going through. What you’re experiencing is,
unfortunately, more common than people might think. When caregiving takes place in the intimate space of a home, personalities can naturally clash—just like in any close working environment. And when both caregivers are individually strong, it’s even more frustrating to find yourself caught in the middle, trying to mediate or make peace.
It’s important to begin by anchoring everything back to what truly matters: your mother’s care. When caregivers are reminded that their primary role is to support her comfort, safety, and well-being, it can help shift the focus away from personal tension and back to the purpose they both share. Most caregivers want to do a good job—and sometimes, the stress of proving that can lead to competition or miscommunication.
Creating a space for respectful dialogue, even in brief check-ins, can be powerful. You don’t need to mediate every detail, but you can clarify that while you value both of their contributions, you also expect them to bring a level of professionalism that keeps your mom’s experience at the center. It’s okay to tell them they don’t have to like each other, but they do need to work with respect.
If you’re working with a home care agency, I encourage you to bring this concern to the attention of their supervisor. Often, what looks like personality conflict on the surface is rooted in something deeper—maybe one caregiver feels the other isn’t doing enough, or there’s a sense of favoritism, or even just a mismatch in styles. A supervisor can step in objectively and help assess whether it’s a matter of coaching, clearer boundaries, or scheduling adjustments.
Sometimes, despite everyone’s best efforts, certain personalities just don’t mesh. And if that’s the case, there’s no shame in adjusting schedules so the caregivers don’t overlap. Many clients find this solution helpful—it preserves the strengths of both individuals without placing the burden of conflict resolution on the family.
Ultimately, a great caregiver is one who can rise above personal differences and refocus on the person they’re there to serve. Your energy is precious, and it shouldn’t be drained by playing referee. This is your permission to prioritize peace in the home—for your mother, for the caregivers, and for yourself.
Warmly, Vanessa
