Dear Vanessa,
I know my parents need help at home—they’re slowing down, missing medications, and I’m worried about their safety. But every time I bring up the idea of hiring support, they shut down or get defensive. How do I help them without pushing too hard or making them feel like they’re losing their independence?
Danielle
Dear Danielle,
This is one of the most common—and most emotionally complex—questions I hear. Thank you for naming it with honesty. What you’re describing is something many adult children quietly wrestle with: watching the people who once cared for you begin to need care themselves, while still wanting to honor their pride, their identity, and their right to choose.
In my experience, I’ve learned that resistance rarely stems from stubbornness alone. More often, it comes from fear—fear of losing control, fear of being a burden, fear of becoming invisible in a world that often overlooks aging adults. Accepting help feels like a loss of self to some people. So when you bring up care, what your parents might actually be hearing is, “You can’t take care of yourselves anymore.” Even if that’s not what you’re saying.
The key is to shift the narrative—from loss to empowerment. Instead of “you need help,” try “I want you to keep doing the things you love, safely. Let’s find someone who can make that possible.” Position care as a support system, not a surrender. Let them feel included in the decision, even if you’re guiding it.
You can also begin small. Sometimes, inviting a caregiver in for light help with errands or companionship is less intimidating than jumping straight to full-time support. Starting with short, trial visits or care framed as “just for recovery” or “to take pressure off you” can open the door. And above all, listen. Ask them what worries them about receiving care. Let them express their fears without trying to fix them right away. The more they feel heard, the more likely they are to eventually soften.
You don’t have to solve everything overnight. This is a journey—of trust, patience, and sometimes, gentle persistence. But keep showing up with love, honesty, and respect for their dignity. That combination will do more
than any argument ever could.
Warmly, Vanessa
