Dear Vanessa,
My mom has dementia, and I’ve been her primary caregiver for almost a year. Lately, it’s becoming too hard for me to manage everything on my own. I’m planning to hire a home care agency, but I’m scared - what if the caregiver doesn’t understand her? What if Mom resists care? How do I know if I’m choosing the right caregiver?
Audrey
Dear Audrey,
First, I want to acknowledge your strength. Caring for a loved one with dementia is one of the hardest and most emotional journeys anyone can take. The guilt, exhaustion, and fear of “handing over” care are feelings many family caregivers experience. But asking for help doesn’t mean you’re failing - it means you love your mom enough to make sure she gets the support she deserves.
One of the most common expectations I hear from families is wanting a caregiver who will instantly “get it.” I understand that longing but dementia care doesn’t work that way. Even the most experienced caregivers need time to learn your mom’s personality, her routines, and what triggers or soothes her. Dementia care is not just about skills; it’s about relationships. Building trust takes time.
That’s why I always tell families to give the caregiver and their loved one two to four weeks to adjust to each other. The first few days may feel awkward or emotional but patience is key. During this adjustment period, keep communication open. Encourage the caregiver to report everything, even the small details. The best caregivers overcommunicate because they care deeply and want to get things right.
When choosing a caregiver, prioritize attitude over experience. The most successful caregivers are not always the most seasoned - they are the ones who are humble, adaptable, and resilient. They’re willing to learn, they don’t give up easily, and they approach each challenge with compassion. Skills can be taught, but heart and humility cannot.
It’s important for families to stay open-minded when choosing care. Sometimes the first agency may struggle to find the right caregiver, and that’s perfectly okay. In these cases, it’s both logical and healthy to start working with another home care agency while maintaining communication with the first. Partnering with two agencies can actually help ensure consistency, flexibility, and quality of care. When both agencies share the same goal - your
loved one’s well-being -they can work together to provide seamless, reliable support without interruption.
Remember: finding the right caregiver is a process. You’ll know it’s working when your mom starts showing signs of calm and comfort, and when communication between you and the caregiver flows naturally.
Warmly, Vanessa
